Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs – Despite what you may have previously assumed, it is not unacceptable to live with seven strange men at one time. Yet another shining example of pretty people getting away with whatever they want. Other examples? The Hills, The CW, and high school in general.
Pinnochio – There is an odd connection between your nose and untruths. I wholeheartedly believed this for a majority of my childhood.
Dumbo – Drinking is really really fun. I mean, did you check out that dream? Pink elephants everywhere! Actually, I’m unsure that alcohol can induce that kind of strangeness. So I’m going to go to a new life lesson: Clown-carnies do liquid meth.
Bambis – Hunters are evil. Just flat out evil. I mean, what kid did not have “Mother? Mother!” echoing in his or her ears for weeks after that movie? Also, hunters are stupid and inconsiderate and burn down forests.
Cinderella – If you are ugly, then you will necessarily be evil and mean. Also, if you are evil and mean, you will have gigantic feet. I mean, really, gigantic. I feel the need, too, to point out the ludicrous of the statement, “A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep.” I dreamed last night that a crazed bride was swinging a hatchet at me. Does my heart really wish this evil upon me?
Alice in Wonderland – This life lesson might actually be useful. If you do drugs, you’re liable to get your head chopped off by a deck of cards. So don’t do them. Not even if the clown carnies ask you to.
Peter Pan – It is perfectly acceptable and even right for a preteen to remain in the nursery. Any father who would demand otherwise is borderline verbally abusive.
Lady and the Tramp – Coffee and donuts are a nutritious breakfast for dogs of all types.
Sleeping Beauty – Instead of telling your child not to touch sharp objects, send her far away into the woods with three old ladies and don’t tell her anything about spinning wheels. Surely the first time she sees one in her whole life she won’t be curious and touch it.
One Hundred and One Dalmations – If one hundred and one stray dogs knock down your door, it’s time for celebration! Sell everything you have and move out to the country to accommodate them!
The Jungle Book – Sometimes animal cruelty is just the only way to rid yourself of a pesky tiger.
Robin Hood – Communism is the way!
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