The Groper List

First of all, can I just say that I have been having intense contractions on and off for about two weeks? Can I say how frustrating that is? Because they need to be REGULAR! This morning my mom called and asked if I was having any pain. I said in a depressed way, "Not really." And she said "Shoot." Isn't it terribly sad when you're mourning your lack of pain? I wish I had severe stomach cramping lasting for 1 minute every 4 to 5 minutes. Then I wish that I would basically wet myself. It would make me the happiest woman alive.

Now, on to what I came here to tell you about. If you are already pregnant and have told anyone about your bundle on the way, you already know these people. If not, then consider yourself warned.

There are several different types of belly gropers, but two stand out above the rest.

1. The hesitant groper
This type of groper constitutes almost all males (including my dad) and most women with whom you are only acquaintances. This is the most considerate groper, because they are not sure whether or not you are actually in the mood to have a hand on your stomach and are "dipping their toes in the water" so to speak. Fingertips only for this groper.
The problem with this groper is that they fail to realize that while your stomach may be protruding 8 inches from the rest of you, it still does contain nerve endings.  And if you're ticklish at all, the intense need to slap the person immediately washes over you. Be warned, though, said slapping or even quickly movements away will send the hesitant groper into a beaten puppy state. Which will make your pregnancy hormones overproduce, sending them cascading out of your eyes in the form of tears. And before you know it, you're apologizing to the person who just rubbed their fingertips all over your belly like a weirdo.

2. The petter
This person is the person you run from at the grocery store. A glimpse of you will simple incite a squeal of glee and the person will run to you with their hand outstretched as if a baby magnet was implanted in her palm. They will then stand with you in the middle of Wal Mart rubbing your belly as if it were a magic lamp and talking to you about arbitrary things.
The problem with this sort of groper is obvious. The awkward level goes through the roof. Besides the fact that you're generally already hot and uncomfortable. Sometimes this person just needs to be reminded that they are not actually touching a baby. They are actually touching your stomach.